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Ah life. You are so impermanent. Your lessons so abstract albiet poignant. What are we here for but to enjoy and decipher your cryptic meanings.

Talking to a friend yesterday, she referred to life’s changes as “shiftings”, implying that it’s a steady, time-staking thing- the changes, that is; and not something to expect to see happen over night. I like to refer to these shifts as growing pains, which makes me feel like my pain is not in vain and is heading in a purposeful direction.

One of the big things my  X liked to drill into me was how you gotta know your flaws. At the drop of  a hat. Know what you’re bad at, where your short comings are, and what you stand to correct. These things should be glaring at you. It was always hard to me to give it all up like that, despite being aware of some…. Can you believe I have flaws?

Unbeknownst to him, I have been compiling a list all the while. My shit list. My very own shitty shit list of what makes me terrible and of what I suck at. Do be warned that it’s relatively topical and superficial, though a step in the right direction of accepting my ugly, unskilled, and not-so-hot-side. Perhaps even a shot at embracing them and “shifting” things a bit.

Are confessions and belittling one self a positive? I don’t know, but I feel like coming clean. Perhaps an ode to you-know-who-you-are. Hope your satisfied, guy…

Generated list of things I suck at:

I. Roman numerals. I will attempt to keep this tally numbered by using them to act and serve as exposing proof of my inability to use them. I don’t even like them, but whatever. Base ten and up are just fine by me, thank you.

II. Biting my tongue when some one has a celebrity look alike. I get excited. I’m sorry. When I told that girl that she looked like Kimmy Gibler from Full House, I meant it as a compliment. I said she looked like her, not that she acted like her! Big difference. Besides, didn’t she know? She really didn’t have to get so mad. Just sayin’. There are occasionally people that I will meet that look like the black version of or the white version of so and so. Do you ever get that?  Anyway, I do feel like I deserve some credit, because I managed to keep it inside when I met that guy who looked like Jon Lovitz. Close call. A proud moment of feigned silence.

III. Rushing in the morning. Yeah. I like my time. People that pop out of bed and run around are a different breed. I will wake up 1.5- 2 entire hours early JUST so I can have a leisurely morning. Stretch, walk the dog, make a smoothy~ all very important pieces to my peace of mind. (Plus I would be chronically late if I didn’t, and that’s not to say that I’m out of the weeds on this). ( I think being on time would be the bastard cousin of this Roman Numeral Three, perhaps even meriting a Numeral of it’s very own.)

IIII. Cutting bread. How do people get such clean and thin slices when it comes as a whole? This seems like a no brainer but seriously, how do you not squish the loaf (hot!), or cut too thin/ thick. I’m not even kidding. Is anyone capable of impressive slices? I’m over all pretty good with my hands but…

V. Snowboarding. I biff right off the lift. It’s kind of making me feel crazy because I have some decent dexterity and agility. I can dance, baby! And most of my good friends do it, so I know I can… I just can’t stand sucking so bad at something that I spend so much money to do. Sponsor me!

IV. <Right??

Spelling correctly with ei or is it ie? Damn you, English. You are so bloody inconsistent.

IIV. I’m numerically in over my head, but didn’t it impress you until what 6 should be? Why thank you!

Exercising patience. I am a relativeley typical Aries woman, only in the respect that when I get an idea in my head, that’s it. That’s what’s happening. I get super enthusiastic and must have my way. Working on it.

IIIV. Sitting still. I have reached the point to where I can’t watch a movie with out fake-shopping for shoes in another browser. Yeah, really. Poster girl for Ritalin? Ok, pay me. I am way too fidgety to have a ”movie day”. That just sounds terrible, unless of course, I was terribly ill. Even then it’s hard to slow down.

IIIIV. Staying on a date that I realize I don’t want to be on. I know- it’s fucken rude. It’s rude and I’m sorry. I might see you in hell, but at least I won’t be bored to death. I have absolutely been know to run. I have left bars when the dude has gone to the bathroom. I know, it’s really bad, but this is confession time. And I am working on patience and presence. I know, I know; everyone has something(s) valuable to share. Either way, next time I’ll make up a better excuse instead of running out, or fake leaving the bar like I did tonight.

X. (Yes? 10?)

Road rage. It’s rough because people in Portland are the very slowest turners that I have ever seen. Furthermore, they stop at intersections when they don’t have a stop sign and no pedestrians are present. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Get a bike, dicks!

IX. Meditating. O how I wish; how it would behoove me; what benefits and gentle rewards await my arrival… My mind is a race track at any given moment. My head-horses are either in full gallop, or are trotting through fields of wild flowers. They breathe heavy and moist, pulling my attention to their pastures. This also goes back to my  inability to stay still for an extended period. It’s like meditating makes me fat. I could be out jogging! I find it very challenging to calm the chatter.

Allright, I’m thinking that’s enough exposure for one night. Now you know what makes me the pits. Don’t hold it against me!

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Within the seed of your desire is everything necessary for it to blossom to fulfillment. The law of attraction is the engine that does the work. Your work is just to give it a fertile growing place in order to expand.

— Abraham

A painting I made for a good friend of mine. A reminder that rewards come from efforts.

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It is the Ocean that gives me strength and a sense of peace. I could never live too far from it or I might wither up into a sad little raisin. It is a place of mystery, awe, and wonder. It can be cruel and unforgiving; this I know, yet still it is a constant for me in returning home. It’s my coziest place.

It was a stormy, bleary day. The rain fell vertical. Our ponchos were plastered to us. We had the beach to ourselves for miles. It was invigorating and we felt so free. We had stopped and got some crappy pizza in a whole in the wall spot. Being New Yorkers, we are big time pizza snobs, but ate a bit as we walked along the shore, until I threw a piece into the air. Like magic, the seagulls came out of nowhere and followed us, catching pieces of dough in their mouths with each toss. I would estimate a flock of 20 something that followed.  It was magnificent!

My dog was going nuts about it. It really was an absolute blast.

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The first time that I ever saw a Pug in my life remains to me a very clear memory. I was over a good girlfriend’s house in high school, in come her mum with this squat, black, snorty thing. Never had I seen anything like it. Certain that it was a hybrid between a common housefly, a dog, and possibly a raisin; I couldn’t believe my eyes. Not that I have, or intend on doing the research, and I have no idea/ particular care what it’s lineage is. What does interest me is how breeds in general come into existence. Now, Im no semen scientist, not a regular old person with a natural knack for gynecology, no anthropologist… none of the fields that would inform me as to if breeding has happened between extremely different species. However, as an innocent (ignorant?) bystandard, I would give an emphatic ‘Yes!’; there has been a lot of ‘co-mingling’ and partying between animals.

At the (best) dog park (ever) the other day (shout out to Fernhill!), I came up on a small dog that kinda rocked my world. He was fidgety, so it was pretty challenging to get a fair picture of him with my 5 & dime phone camera. I did manage to get a decently hot head shot of this little beast to show you, and a pretty flattering picture at that. Doesn’t he look rather noble?

Introducing~ Fibinacci. <Name has been misspelled to protect identity.>

I found that I was unable to speak in my normal voice around this dog- thing. Why? It kept involuntarily raising a good 4 octives and I’de find myself talking in what would best be described as a penguin’s voice, if I had to choose. I know; ”Creative”. But I’m serious!

He had very soft, white hair atop of his head, where on his back he had thick, coarse hair- Sheep hair! He had a cowboy walk. I would say that his lineage was intersected and smashed together with a dog, a sheep, a light brown ant, and a sentient football. But that’s just my guess.

Either way- the jury was out, and interestingly enough, no one seemed able to pass him with out eliciting some sort of extreme response. Some exclaimed on how cute, others on how hideous, strange, funny looking…

All in all I am forever grateful for the mutts, and will love them even if some bat, spider and eel snuck in there.

Moral of the story? Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

purchase through etsy, just click on image!

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