This is the official launching of publicity and requests for my new collection. Get ready for it… I am requesting- ANONYMOUSLY- your MosT embarrassing stories. I want the juiciest of details. I want the funny, the savage, the outrageous, the tormented, the moments inducing the barrage of curse words. GIVE. IT. TO. ME.
Write it out in the comment area if you want- though obviously that would not be anonymous. ORrrr- send them to me here:
Lisita Lawless
3333 NE Morris St.
Portland, OR. 97212
I will collect and post them. Oh boy!!!
Don’t put your name. Just put your truth.
The idea for this came to me when I was watching a TED Talk about a man who went out onto the streets of NYC, handed out 1,000 self-addressed (to his abode) postcards with the simple question on the back: “What is your biggest secret?” Needless to say it caught like wild fire and a website exists now that you simply must check out at www.postsecret.com
His wife and himself receive unruly amounts of people’s dirty laundry from silly, to scandalous, to simply heartbreaking. I gift you with the TED talk that I watched that inspired my brilliant, comparable idea you see today. I am excited!
http://www.postsecret.com/2012/04/postsecret-ted-talk.html
So, in order to get the juices flowing- I suppose it’s only fair that I give you a good admission. Fine. Fair enough. (Deep breath) … Well, the truth of the matter is that a lady like myself runs into things a good bit on the often tip- that are pretty ridic. I have a bit of a penchant for it. That being said, the first things that come to mind have to do with peeing. Either a devil lives inside my bladder and takes up all the room, I have a premie one, or I only have a year and some months left on my bladder before it gives out completely… so yeah, you’re about to get a good pee story. And the answer is yes, for the record; I do fear incontinence.
Setting: The mountains of Mexico, on a a janky, rickety, music-blaring bus with those little hanging fabric balls (bolitas pequeñas??) for proper decor. And dashboard-Jesus too. It was mostly campesinos on this piece. And there’s me. Chilling. Actually, that is a huge lie. I was not chilling. I had to take a wiz like nobody’s business. No one else seemed phased by the fact that we would only stop for long enough to pick people up, and if you dare disboard and were not on the bus by the time the (crazy f*%^ing drive-like-a-death-wish) driver was ready to bounce, sucked for you. So I was under silent torture. Everyone around me was settled in on those crazy roads- perhaps the best way to deal was to catch some rest, but nope, I wasn’t that lucky. I had to go. And to make matters worse, I was surrounded by strangers. A friend that was traveling with me was one row across and one seat up, so they could do me no solids (not a foreshadowing pun). Finally I asked her if she had a plastic bag. She knew right away why. Bitch! She liked it too much. No bag though. I fumbled through my belongings until I found a beautiful, gorgeous, thin, blessed plastic bag. I blew it up to check for wholes because I am very smart like that. Safe. Now again, I will remind you- everyone around me was sleeping. Accept my pal, of course, and that was fine. I squat down off my seat and pulled my pants down and ahhhhhh. Relief. Pants up, bag hanging, BUT suddenly- a river. The bag had deceived me and had a terrible whole. A very bad whole! And the river- there she was, twisting rivulets down the isle and around, and into people’s belongings, and all over the floor. And here is the craziest part- people began waking up. This will never make sense to me. Liquid is silent. Things spill on the bus. Those 2 facts put together do not sensibly equate to waking up the sleeping. How? Was this something they were hyper aware of due to others going through the same thing? Well people started to get very excited and upset. Before the people next to me woke up I managed to chuck my rapidly deflating bag-of-pee out of the window (which is part of the (fairly generous) list of the reasons for why I am going to hell) and look relatively innocent. My friend on the other hand, had completely lost her shit. She was out of her body laughing. She could not get it together. There was nothing to be done.
All in all, I was never burned at the stake, or got found out about for that matter, but still the experience with terrible and embarrassing, and I am sure that there was at least one other person that saw the entire ordeal unravel. Yup, pretty embarrassing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your turn! Hooray!
Pigeon Heart Ponderings 
OMG, best pee story ever! Currently debating which embarrassing moment to share. So many to choose from, really.
Yay! Tell a few if you want! I’m excited!!!!!
Thanks btw too (:
Wow.. That WAS a good one! Shockingly, I can’t seem to recall any uber embarrassing stories of my own at the moment.. You’d think that tale would’ve provoked some recollection of times spent blushing in the worst way.. It’ll come to me.. Can we share other people’s embarrassing stories? I’ve got lots of
those.. 😉
Hey girl! I bet it’ll come to you. And Yes, please do! (;
Ha ha ha, oh dear, that is indeed embarrassing! Well fair ply to you to share it. And cheers for the chuckle!
THanks for reading and I’m glad you got a good laugh. I aim to please (:
Hope to hear from you in the anonymous dept.
Well I immediately started trying to think of something but I haven’t thought of anything yet! You’ve set the bar pretty high 😉
It’ll come to you, I am certain!
I’m about to give up :(…I read this yesterday and try as i might i can’t think of anything.Its not like i haven’t had any really embarrassing moments,i mean everybody has right?, the only thing i can think off is that my mind is super efficient at dispelling these things from my consciousness (probably for my own good haha!)
Wow you really peed on the bus, literally haha! 🙂 when you gotta go you gotta go…I think you gonna have quite a mailbag to deal with on this one 🙂
I really hope so! I’ll keep you posted and you keep brainstorming! ❤
[…] Oh No She Didn’t!. […]
jajaja…..
The peoples on the bus prolly woke up because of the pheromones in yer pee. It’s very very strong stuff. It acts subconsciously. (Why do you think drunken bro’s, and some chicks, are always peeing on street corners? Or on the floor? It’s gotta be a territory-marking instinct.)
In the future, couldn’t you use a wide-mouthed bottle as wee (*heh) guys sometimes have to do? I’m not exactly sure of the mechanics of that for a girl, but. I did plenty of that while working a driving-heavy job as a salesdude, and also suffering a UTI. Always kept a gallon jug on hand. (Sometimes I’d mistake it for my *other* gallon jug full of lemonade, and I’d pour some out and … ah, just kidding)
Now, I probably got the UTI because of a similar episode, on a train, where I’d been out drinking beer downtown and then had to take an hour-long ride back home to the burbs. The train had no bathroom. Eventually, it became so painful I feared my bladder was going to rupture. I hobbled painfully to the vestibule where the conductor and I were alone. Asked him could he give me like 30 extra seconds at the next stop — I could run to the edge of the platform and go. (It was night, no one would see.) But no, they couldn’t get off schedule. And he reached in a little locker, pulled out an empty Gatorade bottle. Directed me to go into the vestibule in the end car. “You can leave it there.”
It was better than dying, but I thought: how ridiculous. We’re the only Metra line out of like 11 in Chicagoland that still does not have bathrooms either onboard or in most stations. Just so happens there is a racial and socioeconomic element, since this line serves the more heavily black + hispanic areas. Well a year or so later, other ppl began to make noise about this and other needed improvements. Our congressman, Jesse Jackson Jr. (whom I never voted for btw) got involved. I wrote an op-ed for the paper where I told my peeing-in-a-bottle story, and also ridiculed other archaic aspects of the Electric Line compared to the luxuries enjoyed by the others. JJJ sent me a letter of commendation. NBC5 called me into the studio for an on-camera interview.
Side benefit:
Not long after all this, the name of my ex-gf from college, flashed into my mind one morning, for the first time in like forever. And I laughed — since it is a funny-sounding name — and repeated it to myself a few times. I wondered how she was doing. “Guess she’s still out in LA doing her thang,” I thought. (She moved out to LA to “screenwrite.”)
Anyway, all morning I’m thinking about her. That afternoon, I check my mail and … guess what … there’s a postcard from … guess who?
Yep. Fresh back in Chicago . And she’d been thinking about me. And what made her contact me? She saw me on TV news talking about peeing in a bottle!
With that image in mind, I’ll pour a a lil bit more of my homemade cherry wine and propose a toast to future bladder health. Cheers!
Ha! People pee on the floor bc they gotta go and the booze is gonna make them explode. Literally pee or bust. I can relate! Not to dismiss your marking idea though. There can certainly be value in that statement. And perhaps you are right about the pheromones. I don’t know. Our connections beyond consciousness are fascinating!
Great story, by the way. What a friendly conductor. You guys are pee brothers now. FOR EVER. That’s pretty rad that she saw you on TV with that story. So funny!
Did you really make cherry wine?!?!
Yes, cheers to strong, healthy bladders!
Amen.