Don’t look at me. I’m hideous. That picture that I posted- don’t you dare take a peek. It is to serve as a disciplinary tool for when someone tells you “don’t look”, you actually won’t. It’s for practicing purposes. It’s to fortify you. Because I love you. I do. But I’m still embarassed about my state of affairs, facially speaking.
It began yesterday morning, Monday the 3rd. I awoke shortly after 6am to find that I had a major shiner. Ok, not like a baseball walloped me, but as far as a “spontaneous contusion” (my deceptivley professional sounding self-diagnosis) goes, it’s pretty savage.
I went to sleep Sunday nice, like an innocent lamb. I woke up with a fucking busted-ass black eye.
And now I am privy to the world through the eyes (genuinely, not a pun in sight, just clever phrasing) of an abuse victim. I am seeing somewhat of how it is to look, and be responded to, in a manner of a woman who has seen the ugly side of a fist. It. is. a. trip.
The last two days have involved people shifting uncomfortably around me. A stirred mix of sorrow, discomfort, and concern emanate from stranger’s gazes.
No eyeliner, tacky wallpaper. Don’t judge me.
As for my friends, I have been making up deliciously elaborate bullshit stories of what happened.
-There was an old woman, laying in the middle of the road, in the rain, naked, and it looked like she was crying and confused. She was holding a baby, naked, crying, you could tell the baby was hungry. In the arms of the baby was a puppy, furless, crying too somehow. So very vulnerable. I heroically approached and the puppy popped me one. This story was BELIEVED by two of my friends. I need new friends.
-I was at a bar and told some Billy Joel looking mother f%^&* to kick rocks because he was bugging me. He got a mouth on him and his girlfriend was on my jock and he didn’t like it and so he took me on the whiskey train to Fist City. Then it all went up in the air and became a straight up barroom brawl. My friend asked me if his girlfriend jumped in too. I let it run for a bit longer, because I was having too much fun to bring truth into the equation. I still can’t believe how gullible my people are. (Grumbles something about West coasters). I told him Billy Joel would NEVER do my like that. Please.
I guess that’s about it for my spontaneous tides of baloney.
I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of the bruise and it is somewhat unsettling, but the doctor said she thinks that it was mysterious trauma or possibly a spider attack. Bananas. It looks a lot worse in person, for the record. It totally merits it’s own blog posting as such. I’m serious.
I suppose if there is a moral, for the sake of a proper wrap up here, it would be that if you ever get busted up, make up a good reason and see how far it takes you. Aren’t we here to have a good time?
Pigeon Heart Ponderings 
I think you didn’t go far enough with your stories.
I agree. I’ll keep you updated. Anything is possible and I am tapped into an undying source of BS.
My particular interest is sort of your anger and craziness. I really respect boundaries getting shoved, liked your voice. Will have to check out some of your other stuff. Good luck with the BS. It’s all around aint it.
Ok, I took what you said to heartish- I got one more in. Told someone that I was hopping trains and that it sure ain’t like it used to be. Hobos are nutty these days. Damn you- Tin Can Joe.
Haha! Thanks for sharing your misfortune and using it to bring a smile to my face. Work was getting tiresome!
Thanks for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed. I’ll be concocting more stories to shine up the dullness. Or something. Have a nip of whiskey?
Badass as all hell.
It’s like you know me.
EGood idea. I’ll have to remember the puppy one!! That’s badass!
FURLESS puppy. It’s subtle but really paints an important part of the pic of desperation. I should have said: “covered in lost, wounded butterflys”. Next time.
OOOO I like that one!
I’m going to find the puppy that did that to you and punch it back. It will be the only moment I’ve ever considered doing such a thing, but it’ll be worth it to avenge you.
my hero. swoooon~
I bet you’re the kind of guy who throws trench coats over puddles for damsels.
I read it as Billy Idol and now all I can think about is The Wedding Singer. Sorry. Hope your eye looks better.
hehe. All I remember from that flic is the old lady laying it down on stage. Caliente!
“kick rocks”, did you get that from a rap song? I think I first heard that in a Paul Wall rap. I like to say it loudly at bars and see who gets it. Then I talk about putting money in my socks and chunkin a deuce. It can be a fun game until Tyrone at the end of the bar with the neck tattoo takes offense.
Ha! Don’t sweat Tyrone- he’s a dummy. And I’d like to tell Paul Wall to kick rocks. He’s a real piecea’.
Holy moly, that looks like it hurts. I probably would have gone for the bar fight story. Hope you’re healing well—tell the spiders to stay away!
Bark’s bigger than the bite on this bitch. It doesn’t really hurt now. Only when I woke up to see it and had it induced a mild panic attack. Then I wasn’t sure if it really hurt or I was just buggin.
Thanks! Spiders beat it!!
If it was gained mysteriously, I say you play it for full sympathy value.
Seriously, don’t stop until you get a car or something off the deal.
Yeah, someone really shoulda bought me something.
It’s gone now. We will likely never know- HOWEVER- a friend of mine last night mentioned that spiders are attracted to tear ducts. Hello, random fact guy.
possibly the cutest tiny shiny i’ve seen all my life.
bc it’s not your face
:((((((
tru
I hate spontaneous weirdness on my face. It’s impossible to cover. I do love your stories of how you got the black eye. The first one was my favorite though. 🙂
Thank you! Right? I know. It was making margaritas outta limes. Glad you love! (;
You don’t have to apologize for showing us your actual eyes. You have nice eyes. If you can get rid of the bruises. That’s just me. I am a fan of girls, not the paint and other stuff they hide behind. I have a long history of falling for girls. This habit began way back in the first grade for me, and I thought girls were the prettiest things — and none of ’em wore make-up.
If there’s a lot of make-up, I think: hmm, what is she trying to cover up? A lotta hard living and self-neglect? Make-up is a poor substitute for health. And, leads women to ignore what their bodies are telling them, like stop boozing so much/eating crap; get some fruits and veggies and probiotics instead; drink more water; etc.
Seems to me I remember hearing that undereye circles can be caused by 1) toxins, 2) sensitivities, especially to foods.
Also, for some reason, folks with so-called ADHD are often found sporting them. Does that sound like you? Seems all these factors are connected.
Haha. Im mos def ADD but it doesn’t induce black eyes. It cleared up just fine. I’m going with the spider bite answer to it. Still odd, but long passed/ yesterday’s news.
I’m not big on makeup either, though I do love my eye liner and lip gloss. Comparatively this is quite minimalistic. Thanks for the tips though. Being healthy is of top importance. (:
I can not believe you were beaten up by a crying puppy. Or rather i never would have believed it if i hadn’t read it here. Incredible story. Heart breaking really. Anyway, I hope you kicked the s**t out of it afterwards.
Oh yeah. I just had one for lunch. Who’s boss now?!
Yah, a good eating. Sometimes it’s the only language those pugs understand.