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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Back where I grew up was this park in the town of Hempstead; “Hempstead Lake State Park”. It sounds pretty, right? Wellll, it was green. Greenish. It was the most greenish area around us for a bit, so there was that. And there was a lake. And it was pretty from a far. Prettyish. And then when you got up close, not so much. No one swam in there. Not a chance. It was filthy. And there were probably dead, bloated bodies in there. And it stunk.

The park ran dangerous and once we grew older and had stashy parties in the woods(ish), we would go, but be in big masses when traversing through and around. Lots of creepy stories came from here.

Anyway, one day it turns out that there is going to be a drum circle there. What?! Yes, a drum circle there, in the day, with… hippies. Unbelievable. Well, we had to go, as a matter of course, and see the turn out with our own eyes. I repeat, this was not that kind of park. Not even almost.

The day came. It was cool and crisp. Bright and sunny. We blazed some and walked through the woods. We could hear the drums in the distance and I recall joking about little wood elves banging sticks together around us because of the way the sound echoed off of the trees. As we got closer and closer, we heard the most peculiar sounding drums. I mean, it sounded decent and it/ they were definitely keeping the beat. We heard it for a while and the sound was so different than that of any other percussion instrument any of us had ever listened to before. Finally, we had ascended upon a clearing, closing in on the drum circle in the adjacent field from where we had emerged. There, in the field before us was a felled log with four dogs tied to it, that most likely belonged to some of the drummers… There they stood, barking at random and without panic, appearing relaxed and content… adding their own barking rhythms to the sound cloud. They were 100% on point with the drum circle. It was absolutely astounding.

I thought of that today when a friend emailed me this little cute diddy.

Dogs man, they get it!

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Portland’s China Town

Ginseng, porn, souvenir shop…

One block radius

*****

A true paradox

In having lots of money…

I’de still like to know

*****

If I owned a bar

I’d trade light beer for cleaning

Everyone’s happy

*****

Having wings sounds nice

Talk about a rad surprise

Travel whenevs, babe!

*****

Sometimes I pretend

That the highway is ocean

Tricks my brain to calm

*****

Dancing at the club

Is fun if you can ignore

All but the music

*****

Understanding you

Is like trying to put socks

On a slippery fish

*****

Bar scene’s a shit show

Or maybe I’m getting old

Time to moisturize!

*****

Hear that far off train~

Your distant below woos’ me,

Always brings me home.

*****

Ha! Pleasure and pain

Decieving me to believe

That you’re connected

*****

My neighbor’s creepy.

His lazy eye follows me-

Gets the best of him.

*****

Splinter on my ear!

What are the chances of that?

Someone get my mum!

*****

Claimed he spoke Spanish

Claimed lots of things; unimpressed

Can’t get in these pants

*****

Major indulgence

Turning heat above 70

Cozy, naughty girl

*****

I’m like a child

Not wanting to go to sleep

Can’t stop the party

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Ah life. You are so impermanent. Your lessons so abstract albiet poignant. What are we here for but to enjoy and decipher your cryptic meanings.

Talking to a friend yesterday, she referred to life’s changes as “shiftings”, implying that it’s a steady, time-staking thing- the changes, that is; and not something to expect to see happen over night. I like to refer to these shifts as growing pains, which makes me feel like my pain is not in vain and is heading in a purposeful direction.

One of the big things my  X liked to drill into me was how you gotta know your flaws. At the drop of  a hat. Know what you’re bad at, where your short comings are, and what you stand to correct. These things should be glaring at you. It was always hard to me to give it all up like that, despite being aware of some…. Can you believe I have flaws?

Unbeknownst to him, I have been compiling a list all the while. My shit list. My very own shitty shit list of what makes me terrible and of what I suck at. Do be warned that it’s relatively topical and superficial, though a step in the right direction of accepting my ugly, unskilled, and not-so-hot-side. Perhaps even a shot at embracing them and “shifting” things a bit.

Are confessions and belittling one self a positive? I don’t know, but I feel like coming clean. Perhaps an ode to you-know-who-you-are. Hope your satisfied, guy…

Generated list of things I suck at:

I. Roman numerals. I will attempt to keep this tally numbered by using them to act and serve as exposing proof of my inability to use them. I don’t even like them, but whatever. Base ten and up are just fine by me, thank you.

II. Biting my tongue when some one has a celebrity look alike. I get excited. I’m sorry. When I told that girl that she looked like Kimmy Gibler from Full House, I meant it as a compliment. I said she looked like her, not that she acted like her! Big difference. Besides, didn’t she know? She really didn’t have to get so mad. Just sayin’. There are occasionally people that I will meet that look like the black version of or the white version of so and so. Do you ever get that?  Anyway, I do feel like I deserve some credit, because I managed to keep it inside when I met that guy who looked like Jon Lovitz. Close call. A proud moment of feigned silence.

III. Rushing in the morning. Yeah. I like my time. People that pop out of bed and run around are a different breed. I will wake up 1.5- 2 entire hours early JUST so I can have a leisurely morning. Stretch, walk the dog, make a smoothy~ all very important pieces to my peace of mind. (Plus I would be chronically late if I didn’t, and that’s not to say that I’m out of the weeds on this). ( I think being on time would be the bastard cousin of this Roman Numeral Three, perhaps even meriting a Numeral of it’s very own.)

IIII. Cutting bread. How do people get such clean and thin slices when it comes as a whole? This seems like a no brainer but seriously, how do you not squish the loaf (hot!), or cut too thin/ thick. I’m not even kidding. Is anyone capable of impressive slices? I’m over all pretty good with my hands but…

V. Snowboarding. I biff right off the lift. It’s kind of making me feel crazy because I have some decent dexterity and agility. I can dance, baby! And most of my good friends do it, so I know I can… I just can’t stand sucking so bad at something that I spend so much money to do. Sponsor me!

IV. <Right??

Spelling correctly with ei or is it ie? Damn you, English. You are so bloody inconsistent.

IIV. I’m numerically in over my head, but didn’t it impress you until what 6 should be? Why thank you!

Exercising patience. I am a relativeley typical Aries woman, only in the respect that when I get an idea in my head, that’s it. That’s what’s happening. I get super enthusiastic and must have my way. Working on it.

IIIV. Sitting still. I have reached the point to where I can’t watch a movie with out fake-shopping for shoes in another browser. Yeah, really. Poster girl for Ritalin? Ok, pay me. I am way too fidgety to have a ”movie day”. That just sounds terrible, unless of course, I was terribly ill. Even then it’s hard to slow down.

IIIIV. Staying on a date that I realize I don’t want to be on. I know- it’s fucken rude. It’s rude and I’m sorry. I might see you in hell, but at least I won’t be bored to death. I have absolutely been know to run. I have left bars when the dude has gone to the bathroom. I know, it’s really bad, but this is confession time. And I am working on patience and presence. I know, I know; everyone has something(s) valuable to share. Either way, next time I’ll make up a better excuse instead of running out, or fake leaving the bar like I did tonight.

X. (Yes? 10?)

Road rage. It’s rough because people in Portland are the very slowest turners that I have ever seen. Furthermore, they stop at intersections when they don’t have a stop sign and no pedestrians are present. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Get a bike, dicks!

IX. Meditating. O how I wish; how it would behoove me; what benefits and gentle rewards await my arrival… My mind is a race track at any given moment. My head-horses are either in full gallop, or are trotting through fields of wild flowers. They breathe heavy and moist, pulling my attention to their pastures. This also goes back to my  inability to stay still for an extended period. It’s like meditating makes me fat. I could be out jogging! I find it very challenging to calm the chatter.

Allright, I’m thinking that’s enough exposure for one night. Now you know what makes me the pits. Don’t hold it against me!

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Here. It’s a gift. For your gut, and your brain ,and the memory part of your brain, which is a different part of the brain than I was originally referring to. Do watch- I guarantee happiness. Or your money back.

This lil’ video is one of my favorite comedians helping us to remember how good we have it. Holy shit we are blessed. It’s just easy to forget when we have it all over the place.

This is the major foundation for my… Theory of Abundance… A theory that I have developed that is based on both observation and direct experience; that we take for granted what we have in our lives when we have it too much or too often. It’s the classic wanting what you can’t have until you get it, orrr at least it’s bastard cousin. It’s in the same family also, of the grass is always greener. Don’t worry, you’ll smell what I’m cooking soon enough.

In support of this, I present you with my very favorite example: the Pigeon. Yes, obviously I have a thing for them (always have). Maybe you were curious as to why? And so here it goes. The pigeon, ladies and gents, is one of the top most resilient creatures. What other birds do you see during all seasons? What other creatures that we live in symbiosis with are totally independent and resourceful to boot? They can survive nearly anywhere in an urban setting, which is not some thing that most birds can claim. They will eat what they can find, be it bugs or garbage. They are opportunists. They can casually exist in harmony with the passers’-bye. Yes, they are known as ‘rats of the sky’, but mind you, they will not infest a home, nor are we in danger of transmitted diseases from them. They are also quite beautiful. All iridescent and sh*t. I like to think of them as soiled doves. And everyone has a soft spot for doves. The bird bearing the olive branch of peace was also a white pigeon, err, dove. Right. Dear reader, they are the last of urban wild life. We take them for granted because they are every where. Now, in Australia, kangaroos are invasive pests. They view their kangaroos in a similar light that we do with pigeons. Is it because they are used to their presence? Would you mind terribly seeing a kangaroo hop by your abode tomorrow? I think not! You see? We are a bit spoiled and must remember to give thanks for all we have. End of pigeon defense. In conclusion, let us take note of the abundance and rejoice! And be kind to pigeons (:

Click to purchase on Etsy*

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