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Posts Tagged ‘reflections’

Ah life. You are so impermanent. Your lessons so abstract albiet poignant. What are we here for but to enjoy and decipher your cryptic meanings.

Talking to a friend yesterday, she referred to life’s changes as “shiftings”, implying that it’s a steady, time-staking thing- the changes, that is; and not something to expect to see happen over night. I like to refer to these shifts as growing pains, which makes me feel like my pain is not in vain and is heading in a purposeful direction.

One of the big things my  X liked to drill into me was how you gotta know your flaws. At the drop of  a hat. Know what you’re bad at, where your short comings are, and what you stand to correct. These things should be glaring at you. It was always hard to me to give it all up like that, despite being aware of some…. Can you believe I have flaws?

Unbeknownst to him, I have been compiling a list all the while. My shit list. My very own shitty shit list of what makes me terrible and of what I suck at. Do be warned that it’s relatively topical and superficial, though a step in the right direction of accepting my ugly, unskilled, and not-so-hot-side. Perhaps even a shot at embracing them and “shifting” things a bit.

Are confessions and belittling one self a positive? I don’t know, but I feel like coming clean. Perhaps an ode to you-know-who-you-are. Hope your satisfied, guy…

Generated list of things I suck at:

I. Roman numerals. I will attempt to keep this tally numbered by using them to act and serve as exposing proof of my inability to use them. I don’t even like them, but whatever. Base ten and up are just fine by me, thank you.

II. Biting my tongue when some one has a celebrity look alike. I get excited. I’m sorry. When I told that girl that she looked like Kimmy Gibler from Full House, I meant it as a compliment. I said she looked like her, not that she acted like her! Big difference. Besides, didn’t she know? She really didn’t have to get so mad. Just sayin’. There are occasionally people that I will meet that look like the black version of or the white version of so and so. Do you ever get that?  Anyway, I do feel like I deserve some credit, because I managed to keep it inside when I met that guy who looked like Jon Lovitz. Close call. A proud moment of feigned silence.

III. Rushing in the morning. Yeah. I like my time. People that pop out of bed and run around are a different breed. I will wake up 1.5- 2 entire hours early JUST so I can have a leisurely morning. Stretch, walk the dog, make a smoothy~ all very important pieces to my peace of mind. (Plus I would be chronically late if I didn’t, and that’s not to say that I’m out of the weeds on this). ( I think being on time would be the bastard cousin of this Roman Numeral Three, perhaps even meriting a Numeral of it’s very own.)

IIII. Cutting bread. How do people get such clean and thin slices when it comes as a whole? This seems like a no brainer but seriously, how do you not squish the loaf (hot!), or cut too thin/ thick. I’m not even kidding. Is anyone capable of impressive slices? I’m over all pretty good with my hands but…

V. Snowboarding. I biff right off the lift. It’s kind of making me feel crazy because I have some decent dexterity and agility. I can dance, baby! And most of my good friends do it, so I know I can… I just can’t stand sucking so bad at something that I spend so much money to do. Sponsor me!

IV. <Right??

Spelling correctly with ei or is it ie? Damn you, English. You are so bloody inconsistent.

IIV. I’m numerically in over my head, but didn’t it impress you until what 6 should be? Why thank you!

Exercising patience. I am a relativeley typical Aries woman, only in the respect that when I get an idea in my head, that’s it. That’s what’s happening. I get super enthusiastic and must have my way. Working on it.

IIIV. Sitting still. I have reached the point to where I can’t watch a movie with out fake-shopping for shoes in another browser. Yeah, really. Poster girl for Ritalin? Ok, pay me. I am way too fidgety to have a ”movie day”. That just sounds terrible, unless of course, I was terribly ill. Even then it’s hard to slow down.

IIIIV. Staying on a date that I realize I don’t want to be on. I know- it’s fucken rude. It’s rude and I’m sorry. I might see you in hell, but at least I won’t be bored to death. I have absolutely been know to run. I have left bars when the dude has gone to the bathroom. I know, it’s really bad, but this is confession time. And I am working on patience and presence. I know, I know; everyone has something(s) valuable to share. Either way, next time I’ll make up a better excuse instead of running out, or fake leaving the bar like I did tonight.

X. (Yes? 10?)

Road rage. It’s rough because people in Portland are the very slowest turners that I have ever seen. Furthermore, they stop at intersections when they don’t have a stop sign and no pedestrians are present. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Get a bike, dicks!

IX. Meditating. O how I wish; how it would behoove me; what benefits and gentle rewards await my arrival… My mind is a race track at any given moment. My head-horses are either in full gallop, or are trotting through fields of wild flowers. They breathe heavy and moist, pulling my attention to their pastures. This also goes back to my  inability to stay still for an extended period. It’s like meditating makes me fat. I could be out jogging! I find it very challenging to calm the chatter.

Allright, I’m thinking that’s enough exposure for one night. Now you know what makes me the pits. Don’t hold it against me!

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Within the seed of your desire is everything necessary for it to blossom to fulfillment. The law of attraction is the engine that does the work. Your work is just to give it a fertile growing place in order to expand.

— Abraham

A painting I made for a good friend of mine. A reminder that rewards come from efforts.

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This makes me happy.

Sandwich anybody? Dumpling tacos? Ricey rice?

Born in the hospital across the street from Central Park, and raised between L.I., the East village, and uptown in Washington Heights, I was. The taste for travel was developed at an early age, being the daughter to two adventurous spirits. I left the East Coast long ago, but still vie for it from time to time, on an inexplicably  deep level.

What I miss is the mash up. The haphazardness of it all; along with the solid working order. Everything is atop of everything else; no body is phased. Try to surprise me, eh? What I miss is the in-your-face-ness; The dare-to-be-ness; so infused and embedded in the culture at large…

I mean, come on: "Dozens of delicious flavors and 3 shitty ones" blazed above the door. Snaaaarkyyy

Another thing that I long for that remains insatiated in me is the real, heavy, richness and diversity in culture there. Walking around a few blocks, one is guaranteed to pass a conversation where you can’t even identify the language. Ah! I miss home. I miss super authentic ethnic food from an uncharted hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

E 6th St is rife with Indian food places. If it looks famliar... you probably WEREN'T here. Haha.

Not that I claim that it is anything close to utopian, but people seem to coexist there, overall, better than where I currently reside. In Portland OR, the community is nice, considerate, environmentally aware, progressive, and many other fantastic things, but we lack genuine integration. It’s rather sad and doubly awkward. The grass is always greenerrrr. Assuming that there is grass, of course.

Five Points/ LIC

This city, which, in truth deserves a tremendous amount more of my time and attention to really do a proper entry, is so f*$%^n’ random. Anything really goes. I love it. It is nuts. I don’t know if I will ever/ could ever live there again. But my goodness, it is the best city I know.

yes, these ARE toothbrushes. You're right! Yes, they are in a special protective keeper, discarded at the foot of a tree on E. 12th. How ever did you know?!

A stop off the LIRR in Queens, this trash burned. One man tried to help(ish) by pouring a 12oz. water on it. Policeman walked on bye. It was "contained".

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<licking lipssss>

Occasionally I will come across a song that I can not get enough of. Like obsess, play over and over and over and over…

I can recall being a youngin’ and standing distractedly out  on the soccer field, when the wind would blow just right and I would instantly be transported into some Poison  music video or some thing. I would be that girl in the video; you know- the slow shot, or the still, of the object of mystery, allure, desire….

You too? Any one?

How about this: A new song comes on. It’s the 1st time you’re hearing it and you think- “Ah! That was almost mine!” Eh? Eh? Admittedly, this is no longer a common occurance, though I can easily recall a vast amount of times where it was, in my youth.

Does the fruit tree of cosmic energy and creativity hang lower with heavy, fruit laden branches to us as children? The “idea tree” if you will, that grows in the ethers, producing thoughts available to the first person to notice, to put effort forth, or to simply just pull it down/ out?

Like I mentioned, it has been a while since the phenomenon of recognizing a song narrowly mine, missed just by a margin, has been plucked by another… Then I heard the song above a few years back, felt that old, familiar tinge, and danced along like it was written just for me.

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