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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

How about some lawful entertainment? …I’m following the rules today! Well- with my eyes, that is. Fingers too. By proxy. Aaaand that’s about it- but you gotta start somewhere. And I am transferring some  still on record legal stipulations that could and in some cases did/ do(?!) land folks in hot water, complete with some commentary by yours truly. Easy entertainment, babes.

As you’re reading this I encourage you to think about the scenarios behind the makings of these laws.  I mean come on- for something to get passed from a bill through the house and make it all the way to a shiny law is a big to-do. There are some wing-nuts out there for sheezy. But you already knew that… Ju ready?

Alabama: It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. They might distract from the hilarity of toupees.

Alaska: Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited. Save the sexy, primal, hunter/ gatherer build up for the campsite fellas’.

Arizona: Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term. Cacti advocates unite.

Arkansas: It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas. Someone’s sensitive.

California: You may not eat an orange in your bathtub. See?? They don’t have all the fun!

Colorado: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to you next-door neighbor (Denver).  One can only begin to imagine what they tried to clean up.

Connecticut: A pickle cannot be a pickle unless it bounces. 5 second rule?

Delaware: It’s illegal to get married on a dare. Clearly they had this law in place before the days of double-dog-dares ever came into existence.

Washington, D.C: It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to a duel. Are signs on telephone polls considered public notices? How official are we talking? Ads in the Five and Dime? Is gossip a safe, lawful form of information spreading?

Florida: If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle. This is a very good reason for road rage. So unfair when they park an elephant in prime locations!

Georgia: It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first. Guess you gotta go pay for porn.

Hawaii: All residents may be fined for not owning a boat. Yes! Tax the poor!

Idaho: A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds. Hmmm… some insight into the obesity problem maybe? Competitive gift giving and chocolate eating. What a match.

Illinois: It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago). I can just imagine the pair that tried to bring their snooty, snotty dog into the place. Muffy and Chaz.

Indiana: The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415. You know, that is what is so great about math. It’s so flexible.

Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free. Damn, not even half price? No love. This does make perfect sense, as mastery of any instrument with one hand verses two requires no skill. No skill= no pay.

Kansas: It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. Polka dots make much better targets.

Kentucky: Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. If only they would make this law in Portland for people on the bus. And in NY for people on the subway. And multiply it by 12. Ok 24. Fine 48.

Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault. Man’s law.

Maine: If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined. Like it’s gonna pull the snow away or something?

Maryland: It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore). Umm ew?

Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. Clearly they’re fine at least w/ them driving there. Zing! And I’m thinking maybe that’s who was in charge of putting all those one-way streets everywhere inconvenient. Eh? Eh?

Michigan: A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Michigan: Home of the wuzbands. 

Minnesota: It is illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet. Hahahahaha.

Mississippi: Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance). I have a solution. Yes- this really exists! And there are choices!! Rear gear

Missouri: Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns. Somethings just make sense.

Montana: It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. As it should be.

Nebraska: Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously. Beer soup anybody? Or is it just borsht by default? Safe guesses.

Nevada: It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women. Finally the government is on my side.

New Hampshire: It’s forbidden to sell clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt. You KNOW this was a Very Sad Night for dude. Oof.

New Jersey: It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. Really pissed off the fish community.

New Mexico: Females may not appear unshaven in public. Did Santa Fe secede? 

New York: While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door. I fantasize about performing social experiments in elevators all the time. Like: “So! How are you? What’s the best thing about today? Are you comfortable talking to strangers? What’s the craziest thing you ever did with a stranger? What’s the craziest thing you would do with a stranger? Have you ever heard Love in an Elevator? You ever made love in an elevator? Would you?” etc. The tip of the iceberg.

North Carolina: It’s against the law to sing off-key. Meanies. Hey! Wait! Are there any famous singers that came out of this place?! So discouraging! Look what happened. Poor singingless suckers. 

North Dakota: It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. Or wake up with no eyebrows and cocks drawn all over your face? O wait, that’s party town rule, not U.S. wide…

Ohio: You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education. That’s just annoying. Nothing cheeky for you, Ohio.

Oklahoma: It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger. Good, no one wanted your boring, middle of nowhere burger anyway, fatty.

Oregon: State law requires the dishes to be drip-dried. What. the. hell.

Pennsylvania: It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. I am NEVER moving there. Settled. 

Rhode Island: You may not bite off another person’s leg. Yes it really is their law. But what is striking to me is it seems to imply that the leg may not be bitten off with one swift munch, right? What about slow or even tender, calculated nibbles? Fork and knife? So civil.

South Carolina: If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise. Did anyone else just get Meatloaf in their heads? No? How about now? 

South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Concluding the fact that the moon is NOT made out of cheese. 

Tennessee: Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden. Walkin’ on the wild side.

Texas: You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. In Texas you face a buffalo like a real man. Mano a mano. Buffalo ain’t got nothing if you’re a real cowboy.

Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk. I am a total rebel in Utah! Yes!

Vermont: Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. Haaaaaaaaa! “Only when we go out, baby.” Ah! Too. many. jokes. Bottlenecking!!

Virginia: Ticking a woman is unlawful. L is for Lame. At least amend it so that you can’t tickle a chica until she pees, but not a tickle? Not even one? Oh wait- I don’t care.

Washington: It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy. Do you think that some sucka rich babe of ripe dating age got conned by some slickster chap who brought it like it wasn’t? Parents didn’t ‘ppreciate that one, no sir.

West Virginia: If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence. Wow. Touchy.

Wisconsin: Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant. Well, it is safer with butter it seems. I remember hearing about a test where two bowls were left in a rat infested warehouse. Butter went gone. Margarine went untouched. Supposedly. A la yuck.

Wyoming: Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April. They are more fit in the Spring? Bashful bunnies! New band name?

And I’m out. Hope you enjoyed. See you in Canada (;

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Haaay party people. So- I recently had the honor from the sly, witty, brilliant, and muscularrr MrMaryMuthafuckingPoppins of being chosen as one his top 7 fave blogs. ((((Blush)))). Well! This is perfect for many reasons. Several things happened once this post was posted (hehe):

1. Inspiration. Awww yeah- “I’m so doing this.”-Lisa

2. Scopism. I got to scope his list and boOM! Some amazing writers surfaced that I likely would have never known about; thank you Mr. Mary, writer of the fabulous and cheeky, not to be missed (as he too, is one of my faves.) http://aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com/

3. Exposure. I got lotsa hits that day from awwwwl ova the place. Good thing I was dressed for the occasion.You know, my grandmother forever said that we must always wear clean underwear because we never know what could happen. Hmmm. There are so many ways that this could be taken now that I never entertained before. Grandma!

Then time crept in. And SHOCK and AWE- I was nominated by Emily of the shiny, sweet, entertaining  http://groundingmyroots.wordpress.com/. Stars! This girl is also one of my favorites, so make sure you check hers.

Then I was nominated for the versatile blogger award by the lovely http://itsabeeautifullife.wordpress.com/

Then, one more time- and I was nominated for the Sunshine Award by the inspiring and sweet http://makebelieveboutique.com/.

I want to acknowledge all of these people and thank them, and now do a sort of hybrid on their questions and rules.

First, the questions, and then, some of the best blogs!

Drrrum roll please~~~~~~~~~~~

1. What’s the best thing that happened to you in the last 36 hours?

2. What are your pet peeves?

3. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up or did you want one? Tell us all! When did you part ways? Was it gradual? Im so jealous! I always wanted one but never got one!… Oh yeah, next question…

4. If you had the power to declare a national holiday what would you declare and why? Details please.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? (You have the capital for this one, don’ worry)

6. What do you think of celebrity gossip?

7. What’s the theme song of your day, week, year, or life?

8. If you came with a warning label what would it be about?

9. Favorite quote or joke that you made up?

10. OCD?

11. Best pick up line anyones’ ever fed ya?

12. Tell us something embarrassing about your brain.

My answers to these questions are below my list of faves here. Checky-

With out further ado I present to you~ my top blogs. Enjoy!

* http://talesofacharmcitychick.com/ This woman is my long lost virtual sister. She is spry, real, insightful, witty, and sassy as they come. Total writers’ crush. Only read this if you enjoy laughing.

* http://groundingmyroots.wordpress.com/ The lovely Emily He writes candid, thought provoking, laugh-out-loud, musings. Her writing makes me very happy.

*http://mennlay.com/ Can I start of with Yum? Oh good. You’ll get it when you check her out. Intelligence, stylishness, sillyness… and she holds it down. Sounds vaguely familiar…. (;

http://heapsofnimbus.wordpress.com/ This man has an outrageous eye. I am not kidding. He has a true gift. You’ll see. The proof is in the pudding. His writing is beautiful, creative, and succinct. A true artist.

http://dearcabby.wordpress.com/ Because what is better in life then brief, chance moments with perfect strangers helping you suss out your woes? Solicited and unsolicited. Fabulous!

* http://furtherthanyouthink.com/ Written by a woman who originally hadn’t even considered the public being able to see her writing, setting it up for her family… This blog is a collection of her accounts of her life dedicated to travel and stints through out the world. She has a unique and intriguing approach. Worthy read.

*http://thesandytongue.wordpress.com/ Fucken yes. Give it to me. You sharp, quick witted, mo-fo. Yes you. You’ll be glad you check this dude out. He doesn’t hold back. Thank goodness.

So there are my blog choices. Everyone I mentioned on this little post. You are all just lovely. More please! Bless your creativity. Aaaand answer my questions!

1.What’s the best thing that happened to you in the last 36 hours? Me? Oh, well I think that would have to be getting out of the city and hiking up in Washington, and then hitting a super stashy outdoor boulder for climbing that only like 5 dudes know about (I won’t tell and you can’t make me!) and getting a feel for the cold, bold rock. (Dirty sounding, eh? You like it.)

2. What are your pet peeves? I’ll give you two. First, it makes my eye twitch when people say the word “guestimate”. Are you serious? You redundant little… Come on! An estimate is an educated guess. For crying out loud. You sound like an asshole. God, I feel better already. And also- “chillaxing”. Really? Gross. Second, when people park their bikes over a bar, taking up 2 spots instead of one. Use your front wheel and your fork, peeps, not the whole freaking frame. It’s just as safe! Ahhh!

3.Did you have an imaginary friend growing up or did you want one? Aw boy did I ever wish that I did. I wanted one so bad. I thought you either had one or you didn’t. I couldn’t fake the funk but I sure was open to it. Just never happened. Good thing my dolls were alive…

4. If you had the power to declare a national holiday what would you declare and why? Details please. I have a few in mind. For the sake of this Q, I’ll give you one, as I intend to write a rather entertaining (ahem) post of this: National Dress Like a Ho Day. Bare with me. I am saving Halloween! It is painfully obvious that American’s are sexually repressed. Come Halloween- the end of chilly chilly October, the opportunity arises to dress up in whatever people’s hearts desire. The majority of women take this time to dress pretty skanky and that is totally their prerogatives. Now, the problem that I have is that Halloween is not being honored. When else is the veil between worlds the thinnest? When else can we slip together into that spooky spirit? It’s so cool!!!!! It’s my favorite holiday and it is being sullied by these poor, repressed people! Lets have National Dress Like a Ho holiday in the summer. That will please everyone.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Buenos Aires, Argentina. Cosmopolitan, foxy, healthy… Close to tropics, ocean, and glaciers? Ok!

6. What do you think of celebrity gossip? Rrrrubbish. Knowing famous people’s dirty laundry is a fascination that sounds awfully boring.

7. What’s the theme song of your day, week, year, or life? Hmm, I pick year so far. 
8. If you came with a warning label what would it be about? Um, don’t piss me off? Hm, that’s not good enough. Let me think. I stumped myself! Extremely picky eater? No, that’s lame. Fickle. Yeah, that’ll do. Shoot, sorry. Do better then me on this- such a good question!

9. Favorite quote or joke that you made up? How did Italians invent spaghetti? They used their noodles! hahahaha.

10. OCD? Must. sweep. Ok, fine, also if I spin around one way I have to unwind myself the other way. Whateva whateva

11. Best pick up line anyones’ ever fed ya? It’s a tie: Someone a while back told me I had the eye of the tiger. I believe they were completely sincere. Recently a hippy man told me that I was one of the 9 daughters of Zeus. SSsssnap!

12. Tell us something embarrassing about your brain. This is bad. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone: Oftentimes from afar when I see an obese person- I think it’s two people making out. I’ve come to terms with this in the last year. I don’t know why this happens. It’s not by choice. So strange.

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Here lies a formal request for a bit more of your attention in perusing the proceeding words than that of the ones that I normally post.

This is an interactive one, kids; reading far more effectively if you would please affix a fair and cheeky British accent to it, and at about the half way point, take on the cadence and musical accompanyment of the lullaby: “Hush Little Baby”…

Well! What do you know!? I just looked it up to make certain that the name was correct, and not say, called “Mockingbird” and guess what- it is British too!

We are smoking!

Ok, and I will let you know when the melody kicks in, so have no anxiety.

The background here is that this stems from an ongoing debate that I have been privy to a few times concerning “average and normal” people taking anti-depressant medication to “be even happier”. Yes, this is on the table now. The implications are rather tremendous, as it holds thought processing (and emotional, spiritual, intellectual, life experience… growth) in the balance. It’s a popular discussion.

When happy is just not good enough… I thought of it as what follows~

(((accent begins now)))

Life is like holiday with cosmetic neurology-

Where everything good just got BETTER.

When you look at ya’ mug and your face is just snug, rest assured- you’re no longer a fretter.

You say you are fine; no nagging complaints, or major frights.

But you’re human and bound to get nervous.

So riddle me this and you’ll owe me a kiss as for you do I ever have a service!

Now what would you say, aside from that I made your day, if I told you that you might never loose your smile?

Could you ever believe that sheer bliss could be achieved, by yours truly if you’d listen short while?

Well I’ll bring the news that comes in capsules and tubes, while you put these in your mouth and say bye bye to the blues…

<< begin lullabye tune now (moderate amount of pep)>>

Say so long to the wayward ups and downs.

Farewell to the questions that ran you around.

Be gone with the wonder and daily stresses of life.

Am I enticing and tickling your fancy allright??

So let’s say the perma-grin that your working towards,

starts to crack the skin- it’s not much of a chore.

There’s no need to fret over a tiny few wrinkles.

Don’t like what you see? Here- just take these pink pills.

Now we’re hopped up on meds and it swimmies our heads, but we’re happier now then anyone ever named Fred.

It’s ok if your voice sounds pinched a couple of octaves,

or you have a sinking sensation,

or feel trapped in a cockpit.

The side affects are nil and the benefits gargantuan,

For ever so happy, who needs thoughts to think upon?

Blindly trust in the pharma-biz, and trust in your doc.

Have faith in big business; replenish your stock.

No more regular worries’- you’re not a plebe.

And don’t listen when the poor folks say your soul has been thieved.

This is nearly as natural as God had intended~

why else would we provide

a way that your enbended introspection’s been untied??

My case has been stated and your comfortably convinced~~~

that being just ok in these days is actually the pits.

So be a good lass and an upstanding gent.

Pop this pill and lets all get crazy bent.

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This one goes out to the throngs of good men who are single and are unsure why… Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, and it takes another person a bit further away and with a different vantage point to fill you in on what you keep missing. Please do not feel insulted~ it’s all the purest of intentions. And I’m feeling generous. Altruistic. To the point. And, after all~ the world is absolutely a better place when we’re getting loving.

This entry is intended as a self-help guide of sorts. You can use it as a checklist. And your secret is safe with me. If you look in the mirror to find yourself fitting a no-no here, fear not, you can change and grow. You are strong and versatile. Great things are abreast. And you’re welcome.

These are a refined, thought-about-at-length, discussed over many drinks with many a pretty lady, collection of reasons why you might not be getting any nookie, mixed and fixed with a fair collection of “don’ts”.

Trench coats. C is no longer for cookie. If you are wearing a trench coat, you look like a Creep. And I’m sorry. But you’re sorrier. I can’t believe you didn’t get the memo. You’re not getting any *%^*# because women think you’re into Dungeons and Dragons. Or that you have some vampire slayer complex. Or you’re a wanna-be bounty hunter. Or you never left that 90’s hair band phase. You know- the one that stayed in the 90’s?

Sweat and the rules of the dance floor. If you are cute and we like you, we will be happy to talk to you. If you are sweaty from shaking it, that’s fine. Go on with your bad self! Maybe we can even dance together. BUT- if you are very sweaty, please refrain from hugging us. Or putting your arm around us. Yes, it’s difficult to resist, but it will serve you in the long run. Withhold hug now=earn hugs later. This is good, sound advice. Believe me.

Pinky rings. Don’t. Just don’t. You’re not Kanye. K? And that’s all right. We just want you to be yourself. Just not in that thing. It’s creepy and makes you look like a washed up cocaine dealer. Bad bad bad. Ok, stop laughing and put it away. You are not the exception.

Flossing. You feel inconvenienced by flossing. Really? This is part of basic maintenance. If you don’t like your mouth bleeding, rest assured that this will stop once your gums adjust to human touch. Suck it up and initiate your mouth to cleanliness. Think of it as being in a really cool (and necessary) gang. The blood is just part of getting jumped in. (Applies to ladies too)

Mustaches. You had to know this one was coming. I don’t know why, where, or how you recently got the idea that this above the lip fuzz is hip, but I feel like none of you ever consulted with those of us that you are aiming to impress with your dashing good looks. Um, hello? The skinny is this: you have been misinformed. If you talk to one lady who favors this ickyness, she is the 1%. We are the 99%! If you are below the age of 50, and you have hair above your lip that is independent of, and disconnected to other hair on your face, it’s time to grab a razor. Waste no time! If you are not a cop, you have no business with one of these things. Plus they get all nasty when you are eating and drinking, and they also don’t feel very good where we want everything to feel really good. Smell what I’m cooking?

Cologne/ Oil/ Smell. This is a case where less is more. We appreciate and applaud your daily shower regiment. We do. We really do. If and when (because it happens) you do not have an opportunity to bathe, do not cover up in a masking smell. The truth is that you then stink like B.O. and cologne had a bastard child. This is a bad baby. Nobody wants to hold this baby. A tip: Alcohol neutralizes your odor, so grab a cotton ball, go to the emergency kit, and swab away. Then reapply deodorant. Optimally you will shower, but sometimes that’s not an option. There is always an alternative. Also, on the topic of deodorant, please please please select one that is not over powering in odor. This especially affects us because you are often taller than us, and you must remember where our noses get squeezed into sometimes when you hug us. Contrary to the commercials, we do not want you to spray Axe across your chest. Deodorant is intended to eliminate odor, not create a new, choking, powdery one. Blech. (ladies too! please!)

Standards of Initial Contacting. May-haps it’s because I was in a relationship for the better part of the last 3 years until semi-recently, that this one slipped by me and now I am in regular awe of it… Texting. Ok. Let’s break it down. It was lovely, “back in the day”, when a gentleman would take our number, waiting the proper amount of time (4 days on average; demonstrating his coolness, collectedness, and certain lack of desperation) before calling. Then he would call, and we would have a conversation. Like a real conversation. Not one sentence ping-ponged back and forth between waves of radiation. And this person would be new (no facebook stalking or preemptive question satiating before actual contact) and the conversation was or wasn’t. Simple. Now the accepted standard is that we give our number and can expect a text with in the next 1-3 days/ later that night. So the amount of time between has been shortened on account of the speedy connected world we live in. Here’s where I come in with advice: we still want a phone call. A text is impersonal and not demonstrative of your boldness, confidence and bravery. Take a chance! We like your voice. That’s why we want to talk to it. Worst that happens? We don’t like it, and guess what~ it’s a big, sexy sea of fish out there. Knowwhadimsayin?                                                                                                                                                                                                      *Another note- if you called a lady or texted her more than 2x and haven’t had a response, she is more than likely just not interested. She may just not know how to say it. Move along> think big sexy ocean lapping away happily. Next time!

Donald Ducking. There will never be a point within the comfort that you feel with or towards another human being where this will be ok. If you don’t know what this means, be certain to look it up. It’s a major no-no. I don’t care if you’re 25 years deep together. I am telling you so that you know very well: this is a BAD look. I hardly recommend this in private; it’s better not to tempt the habit. If you must change the order in which you dress/ undress, so it goes. Also, while on the topic, always make sure to take off your socks during sex. Not hot.

Well, that about wraps it up for my unsolicited yet o-so-necessary advice. May you walk away smarter, with more confidence and swagger… and at the very least… your pants on.

 

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Back where I grew up was this park in the town of Hempstead; “Hempstead Lake State Park”. It sounds pretty, right? Wellll, it was green. Greenish. It was the most greenish area around us for a bit, so there was that. And there was a lake. And it was pretty from a far. Prettyish. And then when you got up close, not so much. No one swam in there. Not a chance. It was filthy. And there were probably dead, bloated bodies in there. And it stunk.

The park ran dangerous and once we grew older and had stashy parties in the woods(ish), we would go, but be in big masses when traversing through and around. Lots of creepy stories came from here.

Anyway, one day it turns out that there is going to be a drum circle there. What?! Yes, a drum circle there, in the day, with… hippies. Unbelievable. Well, we had to go, as a matter of course, and see the turn out with our own eyes. I repeat, this was not that kind of park. Not even almost.

The day came. It was cool and crisp. Bright and sunny. We blazed some and walked through the woods. We could hear the drums in the distance and I recall joking about little wood elves banging sticks together around us because of the way the sound echoed off of the trees. As we got closer and closer, we heard the most peculiar sounding drums. I mean, it sounded decent and it/ they were definitely keeping the beat. We heard it for a while and the sound was so different than that of any other percussion instrument any of us had ever listened to before. Finally, we had ascended upon a clearing, closing in on the drum circle in the adjacent field from where we had emerged. There, in the field before us was a felled log with four dogs tied to it, that most likely belonged to some of the drummers… There they stood, barking at random and without panic, appearing relaxed and content… adding their own barking rhythms to the sound cloud. They were 100% on point with the drum circle. It was absolutely astounding.

I thought of that today when a friend emailed me this little cute diddy.

Dogs man, they get it!

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Portland’s China Town

Ginseng, porn, souvenir shop…

One block radius

*****

A true paradox

In having lots of money…

I’de still like to know

*****

If I owned a bar

I’d trade light beer for cleaning

Everyone’s happy

*****

Having wings sounds nice

Talk about a rad surprise

Travel whenevs, babe!

*****

Sometimes I pretend

That the highway is ocean

Tricks my brain to calm

*****

Dancing at the club

Is fun if you can ignore

All but the music

*****

Understanding you

Is like trying to put socks

On a slippery fish

*****

Bar scene’s a shit show

Or maybe I’m getting old

Time to moisturize!

*****

Hear that far off train~

Your distant below woos’ me,

Always brings me home.

*****

Ha! Pleasure and pain

Decieving me to believe

That you’re connected

*****

My neighbor’s creepy.

His lazy eye follows me-

Gets the best of him.

*****

Splinter on my ear!

What are the chances of that?

Someone get my mum!

*****

Claimed he spoke Spanish

Claimed lots of things; unimpressed

Can’t get in these pants

*****

Major indulgence

Turning heat above 70

Cozy, naughty girl

*****

I’m like a child

Not wanting to go to sleep

Can’t stop the party

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Ah life. You are so impermanent. Your lessons so abstract albiet poignant. What are we here for but to enjoy and decipher your cryptic meanings.

Talking to a friend yesterday, she referred to life’s changes as “shiftings”, implying that it’s a steady, time-staking thing- the changes, that is; and not something to expect to see happen over night. I like to refer to these shifts as growing pains, which makes me feel like my pain is not in vain and is heading in a purposeful direction.

One of the big things my  X liked to drill into me was how you gotta know your flaws. At the drop of  a hat. Know what you’re bad at, where your short comings are, and what you stand to correct. These things should be glaring at you. It was always hard to me to give it all up like that, despite being aware of some…. Can you believe I have flaws?

Unbeknownst to him, I have been compiling a list all the while. My shit list. My very own shitty shit list of what makes me terrible and of what I suck at. Do be warned that it’s relatively topical and superficial, though a step in the right direction of accepting my ugly, unskilled, and not-so-hot-side. Perhaps even a shot at embracing them and “shifting” things a bit.

Are confessions and belittling one self a positive? I don’t know, but I feel like coming clean. Perhaps an ode to you-know-who-you-are. Hope your satisfied, guy…

Generated list of things I suck at:

I. Roman numerals. I will attempt to keep this tally numbered by using them to act and serve as exposing proof of my inability to use them. I don’t even like them, but whatever. Base ten and up are just fine by me, thank you.

II. Biting my tongue when some one has a celebrity look alike. I get excited. I’m sorry. When I told that girl that she looked like Kimmy Gibler from Full House, I meant it as a compliment. I said she looked like her, not that she acted like her! Big difference. Besides, didn’t she know? She really didn’t have to get so mad. Just sayin’. There are occasionally people that I will meet that look like the black version of or the white version of so and so. Do you ever get that?  Anyway, I do feel like I deserve some credit, because I managed to keep it inside when I met that guy who looked like Jon Lovitz. Close call. A proud moment of feigned silence.

III. Rushing in the morning. Yeah. I like my time. People that pop out of bed and run around are a different breed. I will wake up 1.5- 2 entire hours early JUST so I can have a leisurely morning. Stretch, walk the dog, make a smoothy~ all very important pieces to my peace of mind. (Plus I would be chronically late if I didn’t, and that’s not to say that I’m out of the weeds on this). ( I think being on time would be the bastard cousin of this Roman Numeral Three, perhaps even meriting a Numeral of it’s very own.)

IIII. Cutting bread. How do people get such clean and thin slices when it comes as a whole? This seems like a no brainer but seriously, how do you not squish the loaf (hot!), or cut too thin/ thick. I’m not even kidding. Is anyone capable of impressive slices? I’m over all pretty good with my hands but…

V. Snowboarding. I biff right off the lift. It’s kind of making me feel crazy because I have some decent dexterity and agility. I can dance, baby! And most of my good friends do it, so I know I can… I just can’t stand sucking so bad at something that I spend so much money to do. Sponsor me!

IV. <Right??

Spelling correctly with ei or is it ie? Damn you, English. You are so bloody inconsistent.

IIV. I’m numerically in over my head, but didn’t it impress you until what 6 should be? Why thank you!

Exercising patience. I am a relativeley typical Aries woman, only in the respect that when I get an idea in my head, that’s it. That’s what’s happening. I get super enthusiastic and must have my way. Working on it.

IIIV. Sitting still. I have reached the point to where I can’t watch a movie with out fake-shopping for shoes in another browser. Yeah, really. Poster girl for Ritalin? Ok, pay me. I am way too fidgety to have a ”movie day”. That just sounds terrible, unless of course, I was terribly ill. Even then it’s hard to slow down.

IIIIV. Staying on a date that I realize I don’t want to be on. I know- it’s fucken rude. It’s rude and I’m sorry. I might see you in hell, but at least I won’t be bored to death. I have absolutely been know to run. I have left bars when the dude has gone to the bathroom. I know, it’s really bad, but this is confession time. And I am working on patience and presence. I know, I know; everyone has something(s) valuable to share. Either way, next time I’ll make up a better excuse instead of running out, or fake leaving the bar like I did tonight.

X. (Yes? 10?)

Road rage. It’s rough because people in Portland are the very slowest turners that I have ever seen. Furthermore, they stop at intersections when they don’t have a stop sign and no pedestrians are present. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Get a bike, dicks!

IX. Meditating. O how I wish; how it would behoove me; what benefits and gentle rewards await my arrival… My mind is a race track at any given moment. My head-horses are either in full gallop, or are trotting through fields of wild flowers. They breathe heavy and moist, pulling my attention to their pastures. This also goes back to my  inability to stay still for an extended period. It’s like meditating makes me fat. I could be out jogging! I find it very challenging to calm the chatter.

Allright, I’m thinking that’s enough exposure for one night. Now you know what makes me the pits. Don’t hold it against me!

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It’s simple. Getting aquatinted with the multi-facitude of ourselves. Facitude because yes, Webster is still evolving and it is our immediate responsibility to see that they (dictionary marauders) stays on their toes. Creating new words is a healthy little pass time. And so, with out further ado, I introduce a sideways little exercise that is useable to spark the flow of our own understanding of our own selfs. Alphabetize the truth; the sweet, the dirty, the random that lies with in you….because, why not?

A. Ambition: Aspiring philanthropist. One day I will drop money from tops of buildings, but not coins, no… No one will be hurt. Stay tuned. One day, I tell you.

B. Bad habit: I have an ill weekness for brownies (B!) and it’s been 50+ days since I have been off of processed sugar (rad), but tell you what, come PMS time- I would eat your 1st born if it was dipped in chocolate. Stay away!

C. Closest Call: Did you know that you have to be careful in rivers because they too can kill you?  The Trinity river in N. California taught me a major lesson in humility. I was born part fish, being in ”Diaper Dippers” and the likes, and growing up a hop, skip, and jump away from the ocean. I had no fear of water before this day. Caught in a current, dragged and smashed agains the rocks, choking. Long story. Very scary. But I made it (:

D. Damnation: If I were called to Hell it would most likely be because the very 1st reaction that I had when a Squirrel Monkey at the local pet store in my home town was in my arms took a shit on me- was to wipe it down the poor lady next to me’s apron. But she worked there! But yeah, I did that. And I just think wiping excrement on someone else as a first reaction makes one a bad person in one way or another. Right? Or, possibly because I fake phone conversations when walking past Green Peace canvassers’, despite the fact that I truly am so grateful for what they do! * I’m sure there are worse things that I do…. to be revisited.

E. Education: Working on my Masters in Education, baby! In my second year of two. Loves it!

F. For Fun: Movement, easily. Dancing is the best thing EVER. Walking, biking, climbing, and yoga are my bffs.

G. Guilty Pleasure: Easy- I’m a sucker for a good abandoned house. I don’t want to steal anything! I just want to see. So sue me! But really, please don’t.

H. Hometown: Oceanside, N.Y. 11572. A town away from the ocean, and 28 miles East of NYC.

I. Inner Child: Alive and well, thank you. Still like to be held and when people read to me. And playing limbo and dress up.

J. Jonesing for: A 4-6 month trip out of the country. Want. Need. Ah. Beach me please.

K. Kryptonite: Idle hands. It’s an ugly descent.

L. Luck: Overall decently optimistic disposition.

M. Maybe: I carry maybe with me. Grey is a common color that I find these days. Black and white used to reign, but I attribute the appreciation for Grey (metaphorically speaking, dig?) to growing up and seeing the world from different sides.

N. Nerding out: One of my favorite things to catch is misuse of quotations. I have a collection…

O. Obsession: Collecting new music. Can’t. Get. Enough. Hungry.

P. Peace in a Strange Place: I feel safe and secure by myself at night, no matter where in the city I am if everything is covered in fresh snow.

Q. Quote: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” -Lao Tzu.    “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad, just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s good.” -Me.

R. Resist: Stagnation and apathy.

S. Strangers: Have soft skin when I sit close to them on the bus and pretend I don’t know our arms are touching. Is that weird? Is that a bud of a fetish?

T. Talent: Creative thinking, art, and dancing, since forever. Always had that flow. Shucks.

U. Umbilical Chord: 4 years ago when my parents left the house I grew up in for… ahem… Texas, I realized that I was majorly attached to the home there. It was a constant, no matter where I was, how far, or how long away for. It felt much like losing a family member, but with an alien twist; You can not hug a wall good bye. My umbilical chord, then, was severed. I hadn’t even realized it had been attached until that point.

V. Vacation: South America por favor. Pronto!

W. Whisper: One of my favorite ways to hear my own name.

X. Xanax: Took a shower once after eating one. What a great shower.

Y. You: Really oughtta try this! It’s fun and flexible.

Z. Zen: I try to hold on to gratitude and recognize I have what I have asked for, good, bad, and indifferent; all teachers.

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This makes me happy.

Sandwich anybody? Dumpling tacos? Ricey rice?

Born in the hospital across the street from Central Park, and raised between L.I., the East village, and uptown in Washington Heights, I was. The taste for travel was developed at an early age, being the daughter to two adventurous spirits. I left the East Coast long ago, but still vie for it from time to time, on an inexplicably  deep level.

What I miss is the mash up. The haphazardness of it all; along with the solid working order. Everything is atop of everything else; no body is phased. Try to surprise me, eh? What I miss is the in-your-face-ness; The dare-to-be-ness; so infused and embedded in the culture at large…

I mean, come on: "Dozens of delicious flavors and 3 shitty ones" blazed above the door. Snaaaarkyyy

Another thing that I long for that remains insatiated in me is the real, heavy, richness and diversity in culture there. Walking around a few blocks, one is guaranteed to pass a conversation where you can’t even identify the language. Ah! I miss home. I miss super authentic ethnic food from an uncharted hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

E 6th St is rife with Indian food places. If it looks famliar... you probably WEREN'T here. Haha.

Not that I claim that it is anything close to utopian, but people seem to coexist there, overall, better than where I currently reside. In Portland OR, the community is nice, considerate, environmentally aware, progressive, and many other fantastic things, but we lack genuine integration. It’s rather sad and doubly awkward. The grass is always greenerrrr. Assuming that there is grass, of course.

Five Points/ LIC

This city, which, in truth deserves a tremendous amount more of my time and attention to really do a proper entry, is so f*$%^n’ random. Anything really goes. I love it. It is nuts. I don’t know if I will ever/ could ever live there again. But my goodness, it is the best city I know.

yes, these ARE toothbrushes. You're right! Yes, they are in a special protective keeper, discarded at the foot of a tree on E. 12th. How ever did you know?!

A stop off the LIRR in Queens, this trash burned. One man tried to help(ish) by pouring a 12oz. water on it. Policeman walked on bye. It was "contained".

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<licking lipssss>

Occasionally I will come across a song that I can not get enough of. Like obsess, play over and over and over and over…

I can recall being a youngin’ and standing distractedly out  on the soccer field, when the wind would blow just right and I would instantly be transported into some Poison  music video or some thing. I would be that girl in the video; you know- the slow shot, or the still, of the object of mystery, allure, desire….

You too? Any one?

How about this: A new song comes on. It’s the 1st time you’re hearing it and you think- “Ah! That was almost mine!” Eh? Eh? Admittedly, this is no longer a common occurance, though I can easily recall a vast amount of times where it was, in my youth.

Does the fruit tree of cosmic energy and creativity hang lower with heavy, fruit laden branches to us as children? The “idea tree” if you will, that grows in the ethers, producing thoughts available to the first person to notice, to put effort forth, or to simply just pull it down/ out?

Like I mentioned, it has been a while since the phenomenon of recognizing a song narrowly mine, missed just by a margin, has been plucked by another… Then I heard the song above a few years back, felt that old, familiar tinge, and danced along like it was written just for me.

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